At some point in time everyone must ask themselves, why? Why are you doing this?
The last several months have been filled with many adventures of self discovery. Priorities shift, new challenges emerge and actions change. So, with life "disrupted", or perhaps “enabled”, I started to question "why"?
It all started during the last few months of school where I only had a few deliverables remaining. When working on a case study, I stopped to think, why? I didn’t need the grade, the paper wasn’t going to impact graduation... why go above and beyond the requirements? Why should I invest the time? I could be riding my bike instead... Then later, while on the bike, I hit an interval and didn't want to push through. So I thought, “this isn't fun, why am I doing this?”.
My initial thoughts reflected on what my Coach Jim Weinstein would say- "hard work beats talent when talent doesn't train". Countless motivational songs come to mind too... but what am I training for? What is there to look forward to on the cold days? The relentless hours on the trainer? When the going gets tough, why do I/ should I go?
In the "early Covid" timeline, I was fortunate to participate in several interviews with Olympic athletes, CEOs and other professionals. In a selfish quest to understand myself, I asked each candidate why they (raced, worked, trained, etc.). Surprisingly, many couldn't, or didn't have an answer. Those who could answer had a similar statement like, "I X because I like/love to X". Which is great, there is nothing wrong with "loving" X. But taking it a level further, why do you love doing X?
For a while, I too held close the fact that I love to ride my bike. I loved the feeling of speeding down the road, the wind rushing by, visiting new places and meeting new people. But going back to an earlier point, while suffering through intervals, I didn't like it and wanted to stop. What a paradox! I love riding my bike, but not at that pace on that particular day. So, what made me push through the interval?
This got me thinking and really wondering where our motivation comes from. We clearly push through some "non-pleasant" actions in order to find enjoyment in others- and sometimes have trouble articulating why we do. Stulberg and Magness, authors of Peak Performance detailed motivation in an interesting way, they stated that one's motivation must exceed the painful or non-pleasant stimulus in order for them to push through. Having read that it seems, now, rather obvious. But, I never thought of my motivation like that. This mystery desire for something is strong enough that I want to train for multiple hours, push through the hard efforts (and even put up with low carb days ha!). However, with that being said, at what point does my pain and discomfort outweigh my desire to ride my bike. Referencing the above, and considering I was on my bike and didn't want to continue, not a large difference.
Why am I concerned? I haven’t thought ahead towards a long term goal. In fact, I’m still rationalizing what I want to accomplish with cycling. Racing locally is fun, but there is a big world outside of racing the local office park crit. Without a long-term horizon, I have been living in the here and now. Looking forward to each race got me through week to week.
My mantra evolved over time to, "I want to be the very best version of me". Thus, I began a journey to improve my speed, aerodynamics, nutrition, cognitive ability- a holistic approach to becoming a better Ryan. But, how do you know you are succeeding, that your efforts are paying off? In a world where racing is canceled, it just comes down to you and the bike/work/school.
Another side effect of the pandemic resulted in my current status as unemployed. Training used to be my escape, a fun activity that gave me a breath of fresh air. Now, what was my escape from reality has become my sole perception of reality. While this has been a dream- to ride my bike all the time- in a world where I cannot travel, race or see friends, it's not what I had in mind. I digress, no races, no travels, so why push through the pain. Why am I doing this?
If you were looking for a big reveal, epiphany moment, this isn’t it. I still don’t know. Self improvement has always been a huge reward. Seeing faster times resulted in better placements and positive news. Sharing my stories with sponsors and friends generated press and congratulatory remarks. It was even more rewarding to start working with sponsors who placed their trust in me. While there are times I may be uncertain, it is reaffirming to know so many are confident and standing by me.
Do you seen the dilemma? I have many short goals- race to race, with finite dates and times. We have a medium goal- to improve, become a better Ryan, with no targets, no definitive marks or timely sense. And, no long term goal.
Unlike the UCI racing where there are notable grand tours and monuments rooted with history, the path to the top of ultra cycling seems largely undefined. While charting my own path is both daunting and exciting, there is a part of me that seeks recognition. Personal validation of achieving a goal would be sufficient, but without a goal or an understanding of how to accomplish it leaves me seeking a predetermined path.
Therein lies the challenge. A repeating cycle or returning to a baseline without a stimulus to change. Without a major decision or goal to face, I wait, and repeat doing the same thing over and over. Like riding the trainer for multiple hours, the same loops in a quiet park or racing the same race repeatedly (notice the pictures Chruch Creek TT 2009-2019)...it's insanity.
What's different now? Now I realize the challenge at hand and am more aware of the need to identify a solution. So while I will continue pushing ahead, repeating laps and spinning the wheels, I am working towards something new. Just as times change, my thinking has evolved.
I have work to do- more self discovery. Digging down to the why, the real reason why may not directly make me faster or a better cyclist at all. But, it will give me a place to turn when the going gets tough or when I find myself in "that dark place". A metaphorical guiding light that will provide fuel when the going gets tough and ensure, that when it does, I get going.